Published October 19, 2007
This is just the first in my ongoing collection of short stories with a more dismal mood. They have no overall plot, and the narrator is always present, but not omniscient. This is my first story post on this site, so please tell me if I messed something up.
The feeble March sun struggled through the gray haze that engulfed the shore at Hallows Wharf. Even the bright reds and yellows of the monstrous tents seemed dull and lifeless as we made our way to the carnival.
“Come on, now! We’ll miss everything if you don’t hurry up!” called Harry, who had been my dearest friend for as long as I could remember. I hurried after him as he scampered away toward the center tent. We paid our admission and stepped inside. Working our way up a winding path of staircases, we found our seats just before the show started. There were acrobats walking across hi- wires, a seal that bounced a ball with his nose, and a group of ponies, all decked out with ribbons, trotting around. I cheered as the seal dribbled the ball and gasped when the acrobats went flying through the air, fifty feet above the ground. Harry and I exchanged excited remarks of “Did you see that!?” “Oh, that was amazing!” and such.
In fact, I was having a wonderful time. Until, that was, the clown came out. He wore shoes that were ridiculously large, and his nose was a red blob. He went around the other carnies and tripped over his feet while the all crowd laughed uproariously. Except for me. I pitied him, that poor soul. He, who went from place to place, living only as a fool, whose only purpose was to give people a laugh by making a… well, clown of himself! What a lonely life it must have been; for who could ever love a clown?
When the final curtain was drawn, and only he was left on the stage, an expectant crowd waited for his “grand finale”. But he just stood there, with his head down and his shoulders dropped. Then, he looked up, and smiled a sad, lonely smile. “Do you think I am funny?” he asked. His voice was soft, but it rang clear in the tent. The crowd cheered excitedly. The clown smiled that same smile again. “Because,” he began “I really don’t think I’m funny. Really, I’m quite wretched. To be a puppet of society, to live for the purpose of being a symbol, a symbol of a fool- you don’t know my pain!” he cried. His voice rang with a sad passion as he spoke of his hurt, as he told of the folly of being Fate’s marionette.
But then, as his speech reached its climax, as he stepped forward to emphasize his words, he tripped on his shoe and fell, face down, into the dirt. The crowd laughed. They cackled and hooted; “ha-ha” they chorused. They sniggered until they were doubled over, gasping for breath. The clown, lifting himself up from the dirt, looked up at the crowd that surrounded him on all sides, laughing at him, at his clumsiness, his foolishness. I too, looked over the crowd in horror, taken aback by their callous and cold-hearted laughter. I looked to Harry, for surely he too would not laugh at the miserable man, but there he sat, snickering at the clown with the rest of them.
And so, as all the world laughed around us, the clown and I sat there and cried.
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141,411 Literary Works • 674,393 Reviews
Just like everyone else said, it's a bit redundant at parts, and wording can get awkward at times, and it makes you sort of pause, and say "...What??" which makes the fluency of it drop a little.
Because it's a short story, it shouldn't have a plot, or a very big one, so you're great on that...The theme of the story really makes you think, a brilliant job on that.
Overall, I'm excited to read your next piece!
Ducky
... Now you've made me feel guilty, Gyr.
*shrug* All I know is that it's in da rules. I can see how it would get annoying if EVERYONE prefaced stuff; after all, we come to these threads to read the stories themselves and comment upon them, and it's best to do that based on the merits of the story itself, not anything the author has said or introduced about it.
Oh, biscuit tin. That might explain a lot. Thanks gyr for making me realise a big mistake. It's probably too late but that's somethign to remember for teh future. Just wondering, but what puts people off about it?
*rushes off to edit a piece*
Lol, it means introducing your work with words that are outside your story, i.e. this is my first work, I've worked on it X long, ect.
Uh... *raises hand* What's prefacing? *glances anxiously at Blithely* Do YOU know what prefacing is? 'Cause I don't.
Okay, really don't take this the wrong way, but I was quite surprised to find that a thirteen-year-old could write with the level of sophistication you've shown. To be honest, I'm kinda neutral on the story itself, not quite my cup of tea, you might say, but you as a writer show real potential and I'd love to help develop that if I could. Okay, here we go:
First off, I don't know if you read this in the rules or not, but you're generally not encouraged to preface your own work. You're new, so it's really not a big deal, just a note for the future.
When I first read this, I was about to righteously spout "Show, don't tell!" And then I saw that you DID show, quite well, too. As such, you really don't need this sentence at all, just integrate the fact that we are at Hallows Wharf (great name, btw) into the next sentence.
In context, this sounds like he's been with you for as long as you could remember here, at Hallows Wharf. The wording's just a little confusing, darling, maybe say something more like "called Harry, who had been my dearest friend for as long as I could remember."
Wording's just a big awkward, it feels rather like you're trying to be grand with your word choice/placement where you should have been simple. No biggie, again just something to think about.
Please don't let my small critiques bother you, darling. You have a mature handling of words and ideas that indicates natural talent, all you need do is polish your skills, and you've come to the right place for that. Please shoot me a PM if you have any questions, or if there's anything else you'd like me to take a look at! I can't promise I'll get to it soon, but I would like to know.
Ta for now, and best of luck!
*rubs hands together* ok! i was recently told by a moderator that my critiques aren't quite detailed enough. so prepare for your detailed critique! lol.
First of all, i really, really, REALLY like the title, but i'm not sure it works for this story. it's about clowns and carnivals and the fairytale thing just doesn't fit somehow. which makes me sad, because i really like it!
This is really good imagery, but i think saying "the sun struggled to fight" is redundant. just saying "the sun struggled through the gray haze" is perfectly fine.
what do you mean he had been with you? were you friends? neighbors? relatives? explain a little more what that means.
i think they're usually called tightwires.
*squints at sentence* i think..."trotting around" should be put somewhere else. it kind of makes it sound like the ribbons are trotting lol.
"and such" or "et cetera" or "and other similar exclamations." something like that. the "of" doesn't need to be there.
You're trying to hard. "Until the clown entered the tent," or "Until the clown came out" or "Until I saw the clown."
make it just "snickering with the rest of them". you established that eveyrone's laughing at the clown, it's just kind of repetitive that time.
I love that second-to-last paragraph! Very nice, over all, just watch your sentences and don't try too hard to make them all long and sophisticated. Sometimes a very short sentence speaks volumes. :D
Hope to read more!
~Sunny
p.s. Welcome to YWS!
Thank you all for the reviews! I'll see about editing it as soon as I can (which isn't right now), and about putting more of them up. Again, thanks a million!
For a minute i thought Clown was going to kill himself in front of everyone and god I felt his sorrow making that speech and being laughed at. A Carny who tried so desperately to appeal to the folk. I'd like this written from Clown point of view I'd feel it would be stronger in a sense. Maybe that just my opinion *shrugs* Oh well can't wait to read next one.
Good luck VSN.
I loved this actually, one of the more original stories posted. Was the character and the clow actually crying? i don't know if crying is too believable, but maybe tone it down a little to looking sad. obviously paraphrase so it sounds better, but maybe something like that. None the less i liked it quite a lot and i think i may even read your other stuff, hope it's good.
This was a very enjoyable piece. I feel sorry for the clown; imagine making that speech and then being laughed at? Are you writing more of these...ah, wait yes you are. Hope to read more!
Oh, sad.
This was very good! I didn't see anything to be corrected, except maybe the first line.
Extremely nitpicky here, but that just seems a bit... off. Like, it's been done before to often. Try for another opening.
And here:
That bit about being the narrator's dearest friend is a bit too much. Maybe nix the bit in red, and just say, my friend Harry.
A good point you made. I never liked clowns, but I like slapstick comedy, so I don't know what that makes me.
Welcome to YWS, and you're doing just fine! Just remember to review other people's works more than you post your own.